CAREER CHANGE
(Author unknown.)
Well, it's a new
year. A time to think over one's life so far and maybe make a
career change. I've decided to become an Evil
Overlord. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and
you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've
read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed
in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they
are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they
always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord...
Secure in my
superiority. I will feel no need to prove it by
leaving clues in the form of riddles. Nor will I leave
my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will make it clear that I do know
the meaning of the word "mercy". I just choose not show any.
I will not indulge
in maniacal laughter. It's fun, intimidating, and reduces
stress, but when so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments
that a more attentive individual would adjust to accordingly.
I will maintain a
realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes
some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never
utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After which, death is usually instantaneous.)
I will not fly into
a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil
I realy am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I will not grow a
goatee. In the old days it looked diabolic. Now it
just makes you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic
being, then attempt to double-cross it simply because
I feel like being contrary.
I will dress in
bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
To keep my subjects
permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free
unlimited Internet access.
===
As
for my castle/fortress/command center/whatever....
My ventilation ducts
will be too small to crawl through. Furthermore, any bars or grills across the
vents will not be easily pulled off.
If my supreme
command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my
prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I
will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really
care, because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to
build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the
ground for no good structural reason.
I will make the main
entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high
double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in
an emergency.
If I nust have such
a door, it will not be barred shut by an easily broken wooden beam. It'll be barred with several steel I-beams and have
deadbolts.
I will hire a team
of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me
of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
===
Relatives.
My noble half-brother
whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a
forgotten cell of my dungeon.
I will not have a
son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp my
power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point
in time.
I will not have a
daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's
rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
===
Personell, hirlings, and such.
I will not order my
trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me. I'll do it myself.
My undercover agents
will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will
they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to
create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I
want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
I won't require
high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel
bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will only employ
bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt
tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy
a sporting chance.
If one of my dungeon
guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess'
cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
Never reanimate a dead creature. It will
always turn on its master and destroy you.
===
Advisors.
If my trusted
lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe
him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
One of my advisors
will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
When I employ people
as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will offer oracles
the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will make sure I
have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization.
For example, if my general screws up, I will not draw
my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,"
then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me
"My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
===
Arms and Armor.
My legions of terror will have helmets with
tranparent visors, not face-concealing ones they can't
see through.
I will keep a
special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way --
even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops
will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
===
Townsfolk.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent
bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively
put to death. My foes will surely give up and
abandon their quest if they have no sidekick to provide comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm
will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses
who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the
hero or his sidekick.
I will see to it that plucky young
lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall
REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me,
claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That
way, the citizens will not recognize the real thing when it comes along.
If I learn that a
callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still
a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
===
Enemies.
First off, shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.
I will not gloat
over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him.
Similarly, I will
never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I
want to know."
I will not
interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my
borders will work just as well.
I will not waste
time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm
not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.
All slain enemies will be
cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into
them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their
deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be
deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a
last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will not employ
devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before
the trap is sprung.
I will not imprison members of the same party
in the same cell block, let alone the same cell.
If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
For that matter, no lock will be reachable
from inside the cell.
Also, that ring of cell keys will be kept on a peg in a room well away from the cells.
They will not be carried on the guards' belts where
they can easily be stolen by reaching through the bars, or taken after
over-powering the guard carrying them.
If an enemy I have
just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and
have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
===
Personal battles.
When the rebel leader
challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid
without your armies to back you up?" My reply
will be, "No, just sensible."
If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow
him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be
so startled and confused that I will easily be able to
dispatch him.
If I absolutely must
ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
===
Romance. Or whatever passes for romance in my demented mind.
After I kidnap the
beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony,
not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my
plan will be carried out.
No matter how attractive certain members of
the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
desperate to kill me. Therefore, I
will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism
when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power
and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!", I will say, "Oh well." and
kill her.
===
Animals.
I will not turn into
a snake. It never helps.
My pet monster will
be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not
accidentally stumble.
When I capture the
hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever
sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys
happens to follow him around.
I will treat any beast
which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness.
Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
===
Devices, machinery, and spells.
The artifact which is the
source of my power will not be kept on the
I will not include a
self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it
will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big
red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of
bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
I will never employ
any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117.
I will design all
doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will
make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and
seek to undo the damage he's caused.
No matter how tempted I
am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field
bigger than my head.
No matter how well it would perform, I will
never construct any sort of machinery which is
completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible
vulnerable spot.
I will never build
only one of anything important. For the same reason I
will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can
miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has
given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will be neither
chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping
it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all
those pesky time-travel devices.
I will not rely
entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by a
relatively inconspicuous talisman.
If I learn the
whereabouts of the one artifact that can destroy me, I will not send all my
troops out to seize it. Instead, I will send them out
to seize something else and quietly put a want ad in the local paper.
My main computers
will have their own special operating system that will be completely
incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.